In the fall of 2012 I was offered the chance to send a writing packet to The Onion, after which I was one of only a few who were accepted into the contributing writer tryout process. I was later told my packet — 17 pages of Onion-style headlines, full-length articles, and graphics — was one of the most robust and interesting submissions they’d ever seen. I guess people just submitted links to articles they wrote on Salon.com or whatever, so I probably either looked like a real Onion super fan or an absolute nutbar.

Below are some of my favorites from my time as an Onion contributor:

Late Night TV Show Has A Little Fun With Current Event

NRA Suggests Football Would Be Safer With Armed Guards

Ghoul And Ghost Team Up To Risk It All For One Last Haunt

Alcoholic Quantum Physicist Believes It’s Both Five O'Clock Everywhere And Nowhere at Once

Google Bing’d

Area Man Notices He And Camgirl Have Same Comforter Set

Audience Watching Bad Improv Group Forced to Make Up Laughter on the Spot

Local Man to Just Sit There All By His Damn Self, He Guesses

Everyone On Subway Platform Watching With Anticipation As Nutbar Engages Oddball

Boy Scouts Consider Letting Homosexuals Into Their Gay Little Club

New Scientific Study Seeks to Understand Why Farts Always Stink Worse In Shower

Area Second Grader Accidentally Calls Mop In Classroom Storage Closet ‘Mommy’



Scientists Begin Research of Endless Shrimp Theory at Local Red Lobster

GENEVA, IL -- Citing its limitless possibilities and high potential for mathematical singularity, scientists from the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory set out during their lunch break on Friday to better understand the theoretical application of infinite shrimp experienced every year during Red Lobster’s ‘Endless Shrimp’ promotion. The annual event, in which a never-ending variety of succulent shrimp choices is said to be of an interminable quantity, will be painstakingly studied by Fermilab scientists “probably for the rest of the day”, according to one researcher. “In quantum field theory, infinities arise which need to be interpreted in such a way as to lead to a physically meaningful result, therefore the research must be done ever so carefully,” said Dr. John C. Rhodes, in between large bites of Red Lobster’s new parmesan crusted shrimp. “The key to studying ‘Endless Shrimp’ theory, we believe, is to not load up on cheddar biscuits in order to save room so you can try all the shrimp more than once and decide which is your favorite.” Although still in the early stages of a research campaign expected to last weeks, if not months, the scientific team has already agreed on one conclusion -- although without bound and by all accounts eternal, more than one plate of the garlic shrimp scampi can lead to perpetual heartburn.

Obama Condemns Gardener’s Use of Leaf Blower Near Presidential Bedroom Window

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama issued a statement on Wednesday strongly condemning the use of a noisy gas-powered leaf blower by a White House gardener just outside his bedroom window at approximately 8:45 this morning. “I would like to express sympathies to my wife Michelle and to whomever else I might have been cranky with this afternoon after I was unnecessarily woken up by this incessant machine and the gardener who was behind it,” said Obama. “The White House has and will continue to be deeply concerned by the reckless use of gas-powered leaf blowers within my earshot and their impact on my peaceful early morning slumber.” President Obama then described the use of the incredibly loud and superfluous device in the early morning as an “intolerable offense” and called on White House authorities to “investigate in a prompt and efficient manner this serious act, with the purpose of seeking out the perpetrators and possibly giving them a long, wooden-handled, bristly leaf-moving device that doesn’t run at 75-fucking-decibels.”

InfoGraphic: Bush Memoir Titles

Former President George W. Bush has released the name of his forthcoming presidential memoir, which is entitled ‘Decision Points’. What were some of his previously considered titles?

  • Harry Potter and the Enemy Combatant of Azkaban Bay

  • Goosebumps: Stay Out of Cheney’s Basement Bunker

  • The Decider In the Rye

  • A Farewell to Civil Liberties

  • Oh, the Places You’ll Invade!

  • Are You There, Reagan? It’s me, George

  • 101 Tips for Effectively Clearing Brush

  • Choose Your Own Adventure: You Deal with 9/11

  • Stars at Night: The Story of the 1992 Texas Rangers

  • Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Pre-9/11 Terror Memo

  • The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Hurricanes

Car Dealership Tips

A trip to the car dealership often leaves people with feelings of dread, but your experience doesn’t have to be an unpleasant one. The following are some helpful tips to make your visit to the dealership an easy and pleasant one:

  • Educate yourself on rebates and factory incentives beforehand, as paying attention to those promotions can help you better understand later why they conveniently and arbitrarily do not apply to your specific sale.

  • When viewing a car on the lot, it’s important to discuss the available options -- does it have cup holders equipped to hold super-sized drinks? Does it come with extendable seat belts and extra-wide seats? Does it have a traction control system that allows for easy navigation of restaurant drive-thru’s in all types of weather?

  • The service department waiting area offers many different interesting ways to pass the time, from catching up on the latest episode of The Maury Povich Show to reading a newspaper in Polish.

  • If George Costanza has constructed a candy line-up in the customer service room consisting of ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind and asks you to identify the 5th Avenue Bar, it’s a setup -- they’re all Twix.

  • Make sure everything is agreed to in writing. Never, under any circumstances, should you purchase an automobile based on a wink or a high-five.

  • It’s important to remember that if your car is having problems, never take it to the dealership unless you’re absolutely positive getting totally fucked is covered by your warranty. 

Ghost of Film Critic Gives Praise to ‘The Bounty Hunter’ From Beyond the Grave

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- The ghost of film critic Gary Sweeney, who was murdered in 2002, gave a favorable review on Friday for the new Columbia Pictures film ‘The Bounty Hunter’ from the afterlife. The movie, starring Gerard Butler as a bounty hunter charged with the task of finding his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston, was hailed from the great beyond by Sweeney, who exclaimed “Brightening the eternal darkness of the purgatory that surrounds my lost soul, Aniston turns in yet another shining comedic performance!” Penning his review from the hereafter, Sweeney gave the film three and a half stars, thanks in part to its themes of redemption and the triumphs of the human condition. “My unsettled spirit seeks a closure only an arrest can bring, please find my killer soon so that I may rest in peace,” said Sweeney. “And rest assured, this bounty-ful cast is sure to be in the hunt this coming award season!” Helmed by veteran director Andy Tennant (‘Hitch’, ‘Sweet Home Alabama’), Sweeney notes the film’s title can be rearranged to spell out the location of his still-missing body. “Aniston and Butler’s screen chemistry will be forever remembered and my consciousness will be forever in limbo unless you solve my murder,” Sweeney added. “Check room 336 at the Broadmoor Hotel for a vital clue, hurry!” ‘The Bounty Hunter’ is in theaters March 19th.


Latest People Magazine Outshines Majesty of Airplane Flight

LITTLE ROCK, AR -- Revealing the truth about Kate Gosselin's new body and Liam Neeson's latest chance at love, the latest issue of People Magazine took preeminence over the miracle of human aviation on Tuesday aboard a Southwest Airlines flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Little Rock. Passenger and longtime People Magazine subscriber Melissa Hosmer, 26, was astounded to learn that Liam Neeson has cautiously began dating a year and a half after the death of his wife and not, in fact, that she was traveling through the sky at nearly six hundred miles-per-hour in an aluminum tube. "Oh my God, Kate Gosselin's firm stomach looks unbelievable," Hosmer said as she turned the page some 30,000 feet above the Earth and it's inhabitants, who were once resigned to traveling solely by ground and sea, jealous of the winged vertebrate animals who experienced the grace of flight. Shortly before the pinnacle of human engineering effortlessly descended from the heavens with the aid of complex flight computers that would almost assuredly bring the Wright brothers to tears were they alive today, Hosmer was said to be in awe over pictures of Kate Hudson's Emilio Pucci backless gown and Cartier jewels.

InfoGraphic: Bigger Business

Searching for a way to invigorate declining sales, many companies are now exclusively targeting plus-size female consumers. What are some of the new brands being marketed?

  • Tub-E-Girl Recliners

  • Forever Size 21

  • X.X.L. Bean

  • O. Bese

  • Big Ann Taylor

  • Wide-Load Keds

  • Wheat Fats

  • Lord & Taylor & Portly

  • Rotundo Wii

  • TJ Maxximum Capacity

  • Bulgeberry Clusterpudge Cheerios

 
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CTA Announces New Express Track to Run on Top of Delayed El Trains

 
 

InfoGraphic: NCAA Bracket Snubs

The men’s NCAA college basketball championship begins on March 18th, but with March Madness comes the heartbreak for teams that didn’t qualify. Here are some of the schools who missed this years cut:

  • West South Carolina College Left

  • Our Lady of Air Bud College

  • Either Dakota University

  • Mavis Beacon Typing College

  • University of Nude Mexico, Santa Fe

  • Kentucky Kind of University

  • Saint Double Dribbles Presbyterian College

  • Texas A&W Root Beer

  • Sherman College of Under 5’3”

  • State College Schoolniversity

  • Paper & Glue Collage

  • University of Las Vegas, Bellagio

Ask a 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer

Dear 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer,
After what I thought was a friendly game of after-work basketball at the gym, my boss has decided not to speak to me. The silence has been going on for weeks now and I’m starting to think that beating my boss wasn’t the smartest career choice. I’d hate to leave the office and find another job, but I don’t know what else to do!
-- Ignored In Indianapolis

Dear Ignored,
The only thing tougher. Than turning losers into champions. Is doing it twice. The Mighty Ducks are back. Their game is good as ever. But they’re adding some new players. And now, they’re heading to California. For the world championships. But if they want to go for the gold. They’ll have to learn to become a team. Together. Emilio Estevez. Walt Disney Home Video presents. D2: The Mighty Ducks are back. Starts Friday March 25th, at a theater near you.



Dear 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer,
I have been married to a wonderful man for 5 years and we have three children. My in-laws, however, do not approve of me and our relationship has always been somewhat strained. But due to the poor economy, my husband recently suggested his parents move in with us until they can find a cheaper apartment, but did so without first consulting me and a huge fight ensued. Do I have the right to be mad?
-- Outraged In Omaha

Dear Outraged,
The Mighty Ducks are playing for the world championship. But their competition. Isn’t playing fair. Now, it’s more than just a game. It’s personal. But lucky for Coach Bombay, ducks. Stick together. Mankind has never fully understood. Why ducks. Fly together. Emilio Estevez. D2: The Mighty Ducks are back. Rated PG. Soundtrack now available on Hollywood records.



Dear 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer,
Our baby is due next month and we know that it will be a Down’s baby. We have been preparing for the past few months, and while we have mourned the baby we aren’t getting, we’re excited for her arrival. Our immediate family knows, of course, but how do we prepare friends and acquaintances?
-- Unsure In Utica

Dear Unsure,
America’s pee-wee hockey comedy champs, the Mighty Ducks, shoots and scores! Emilio Estevez. D2 is the comedy slapshot that will send your family to the penalty box. Two minutes. For Laughing. The reviews are flying in. Flying in V formation, that is. Emilio Estevez. And critics are cheering “they’re better than ever!” Duck Power triumphs again! Emilio Estevez. D2: The Mighty Ducks, rated PG. Now available on videocassette.



Dear 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer,
Our neighbors are moving out of state and asked if we would let their 17-year-old son live with us while he finished his last year of school here in our town. While they offered to pay room and board, we don’t know these people well at all and are surprised to find them wanting us to care for their son. What should we do?
-- Wondering In Wichita

Dear Wondering,
A team losing it’s games. A coach who’s lost his direction. But there are memories he can’t let go. And a friend who won’t give up. How do you teach a town. That’s forgotten how to be a duck. To fly once again? Now, all Coach Bombay wants. Is one more chance. To spread his wings. And coach. Some ducks. On ice. To play hockey. For America. The Chinese calendar may say otherwise. But 1994. Is the year. Of the duck. Emilio Estevez. D2: The Mighty Ducks are back. Inspired by true events. A 1994 ‘D2:



The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask a 1994 ‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ Promotional Trailer, appears in more than 200 newspapers nationwide.